A thorough explanation of solo polymory method and its foundational ideas
I got more questions from possible matches when I described myself as “solo poly” on dating apps than almost any other characteristic I included. This is especially true since I’m a pretty heavily tattooed femme lesbian, a demographic that should already get a lot of questions from other people.
The thought that polyamory, which is all about having several partners and being open with them, could also be based upon an independent, single-adjacent existence was too much for most people to comprehend.
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Solo polyamory may be of interest to you if you’re curious about how those two things might be true simultaneously and if you believe you might fit into a relationship paradigm that combines clear communication with putting your own autonomy front and center. Considering that over 10% of people have looked into polyamory, you’re not alone in your curiosity at some point!. We’ll talk about what it is, why it’s good and bad, and how to do it ahead.
Quick Overview
The practice of having several partners or relationships while prioritizing one’s personal autonomy is known as solo polyamory. It differs from being single in that you tell the people you date about the other individuals you see in an open and honest manner. It also differs from the more prevalent type of polyamory in which you are developing possibly long-lasting relationships with several people.
Contents
Solo Polyamory: What Is It?
The practice of having several partners or relationships, similar to conventional polyamory, but eschewing the idea of a polycule or other multiple-people centered relationship group, is known as solo polyamory. Rather, you concentrate on your alliances by yourself.
Solo poly might be a dream for those who are looking for autonomy, which is the concept of being able to make your own decisions in life based on what you think is best for you.
“Autonomy is central to the decision-making process in solo poly. According to psychotherapist and clinical supervisor Madison McCullough, LCSW, “this gives solo poly people the freedom to prioritize their own wants and needs and only choose to be in relationships that are consistent with that.”
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Understanding Solo Polyamory
In traditional polyamory, community is essential. Partners frequently interact with or spend time with one other’s other partners. They occasionally build relationships with multiple persons at once, like in a triad. Solo poly is not the same as this. You retain the components where there isn’t any effort made to bring people together, yet you are talkative and honest about individuals in your life.
“People who practice solo poly typically do not have nesting or anchor partners, and often live alone,” says McCullough. Even while that is frequently the case, being solo poly even when partnered is totally possible. I lived with my ex as a single person. Even though I was honest about everyone I dated and no one ever met, they had no say in who I dated. I kept all of my worlds apart and kept my relationships to myself. After my breakup, I held onto that model for a while, and it was perfect for me up until a new relationship came along that I wanted to investigate more fully.
Solo poly puts autonomy at the center of one’s decision-making process. This gives solo poly people the space to prioritize their own wants and needs and only choose to be in relationships that are consistent with that.
— MADISON MCCULLOUGH, LCSW
One significant distinction between being solo poly and being single is that those who are dating and moving toward a monogamous relationship usually don’t discuss about the people they are seeing. However, it is possible to be solo poly without having a partner. Being a solo polyamorous person entails being open and truthful with all the people you date.
Anyone who enjoys having multiple partners but does not want to spend all of their time discussing sentiments and emotions can dream of being solitary poly. MucCullough observes the people who use this approach “value independence, and are not necessarily looking to be brought into the deeper dynamics of a polycule, or to build relationships with metamours.”
Being solo polyamorous differs from monogamy as well because the latter implies having a single partner for life. It’s not the same as an open relationship either, where you interact with people more sexually and less romantically with your primary spouse. Instead, it has its own distinct style.
The Advantages and the Disadvantages of Being Solo Poly
The primary benefit of single polyamory is that it allows you to make your own decisions without feeling obligated to follow someone else’s wishes. It’s fantastic as well for anyone who despises “processing,” since it usually reduces the need for intense conversations, which is normal when you have more than one partner.
Solo poly worked really well for me because, being an introvert and an autistic person, I didn’t have to spend my time with multiple people at once like in a polycule, and I could choose how deep or shallow I wanted each relationship to be.
Of course, there are difficulties with solo poly. According to McCullough, single polyamorous people could be perceived as less gregarious and as desiring intimate relationships. “Just because people value their autonomy does not mean that they don’t also want to cultivate meaningful relationships with other people,” she says.
“If anything, individual poly people are frequently far more aware of their social abilities, which leads to their being far pickier about the relationships they enter into “continues the speaker. She adds that loneliness might result from being a solo polyatheist. “Many people who are solo poly value alone time, but that doesn’t mean that the alone time is always easy or comfortable,” she explains.
Solo Poly in Practice
Being solo poly allows you to stay independent while exploring your personal autonomy and discovering more about your needs and wants. Being upfront with anyone you would want to date or have sex with is the simplest approach to start this practice.
In solo poly, there is no right or wrong number of relationships. You may be alone yourself or with four partners, each of whom may date someone else or maintain separate relationships. The important thing is that you and your partner(s) decide how to develop those ties in a way that seems natural to you both. This is accomplished by revealing your sentiments when they come up and by being transparent about your relationship goals and emotional state.
Setting and maintaining boundaries will be essential to the success of this relationship paradigm. Be explicit about the amount of time and effort you wish to devote to each connection, the extent to which you wish to discuss the other relationship(s) of your partner(s), and the role that each relationship will play in your daily life. You’ll also have to pay close attention to others’ personal space, and treat them with utmost respect.
“Make sure your partners understand your definition of solo poly, and that what you can offer them in a relationship is consistent with what they need, and vice versa,” says McCullough.
Stereotypes and Misconceptions
Many people have the false impression that someone who is polyamorous is immoral, promiscuous, or addicted to sex. It’s just not true.
Polyamory, based on a range of partnerships, is mostly about sharing plenty of love and not attempting to change someone into someone they’re not. Instead, you respect each individual for who they are and how you can relate to them, and you don’t try to coerce them into doing things that don’t fit them.
Critics of polyamory also point to the idea that it’s reserved for singles who are unable to commit. Many people maintain long-term polyamorous relationships! This is just not true; being devoted to several individuals is far more difficult than being devoted to just one.
Tips for Practice
Practicing the following tips will help you get the most out of solo polyamory.
- Be self aware: Know what you want out of your relationships, and what your needs and wants are.
- Communicate openly: McCullough says you should review important boundaries, such as the following questions. “How much time do you want to spend with your partners? Are you interested in meeting their other partners? Are you comfortable spending the night in each other’s spaces?”
- Know your expectations: Be clear with others what you expect from a relationship.
- Center your well-being: Keeping tabs on, and prioritizing your own emotional wellness is important to this model working out for you.
- Find community and support: Due to it being oriented around you alone, it may be harder than normal in polyamory to meet others also with this practice. Make a point to find others in your area or online who also practice solo poly.
Conclusion
Solo poly is fantastic for those who enjoy spending time by themselves, but under trying circumstances, it can cause loneliness. Sharing your current situation with your partners on a regular basis and making the time to Consider what you require and desire from every connection you enter into.